13 posts tagged “ex-fiance”

I saw Ex today.  I left work and called him on my way home.  He asked if I wanted to come over and see his new place.  I had nothing else to do, so I agreed.  Shortly after I got there we went down to the beach and went for a walk and just talked.  We held hands.  We eventually sat on a wall on the beach, looking over the water.  We kissed.  Not make out or anything.  We talked about what we wanted for the new year.  He said something about wanting to prosper, and to find love.  I told him I didn't need to hear about him finding new love, even though I felt that he was talking about me, the way he was looking at me, and the way he sounded.  But I figured unless he wanted to come right out and say he wanted to get back together, I wouldn't act like I thought he was talking about me.  He told me he loved me, and I asked why he said that, and he said because that is what he feels inside his heart (or something along those lines).  I told him I loved him too.  We sat there for a while.  Our arms around each other.  Just holding each other.  It was...nice.  We watch the sunset.  It's beautiful.  We start to head back to the car to drive back to his place.  He asked if I wanted to watch a movie, and since I had nothing else to do, I said sure.  I picked out Nacho Libre since I hadn't ever seen it.  We cuddled on the couch and eventually we both fell asleep.  We woke up about an hour or so later, and decided to go get some dinner.  He offered to make something for me, but I didn't really feel like waiting to actually cook dinner.  So at first we were just going to head to In-N-Out, but ended up going to this little cafe place that had delicious food.  He paid for me.  We held hands.  More implied things about possibly getting back together.  It felt like a date though.  We went back to his house and I dropped him off (I offered to drive so he wouldn't lose his parking lot, and cause I was planning to leave after dinner).  We kissed goodbye.  We just hugged, and looked into each other's eyes.  Speaking to each other without using words.  

to 2007.

So I've spent the better part of this last hour just feeling sad and depressed.  All those tears that I've been fighting back for the last week finally broke through.  I cried.  I cried while playing music so loud on my ipod that it drowned out the world outside my room.  I cried until my face was stained with tears, and there was nothing left to cry out.  Kissing him at the airport.  Hearing him say "I love you", and saying that I love him too out loud.  It opened something back up in me.  Like the cracks in my heart had started to scab over or something.  Hardening to him, and the whole situation.  Or at least thinking I had.  But then with that kiss it opened my heart back up.  Saying "I love you" out loud acknowledged that I do still love him.  When it's said out loud for the whole world to hear, I can't deny those feelings exist.  I know that most likely we will never be together again.  I did my best over the last 2 months to convince myself not to care about that.  To make myself feel nothing, really.  But now I do have those feelings, and part of me does hope that we'll be able to work things out eventually.  Maybe not next week, or next month, but at some point.  Someday.  

Cemetery Drive

My Chemical Romance

I've been feeling rather down the last few days.  But I've also had a really great time.  It's fun seeing my family and friends over the holidays.  My cousin and his wife and baby (well, he's almost 2.  is that still a baby?) came up this year.  It was really fun having them here for Christmas and just to hang out with them for a couple days.  I don't live much more than an hour from them, but usually it's just dinners or maybe a day here and there when I get to see them.  I have to say though, seeing them, and their baby, and all of that.... It just made me miss him that much more.  It made me realize that I'm so much further from having that than I was just a few months ago.  A few months ago I was picking out dishes, and discussing what colors we'd want to do our kitchen in, and now i'm just back to square one.  I don't feel a rush to get married, but that doesn't mean I don't want it.  I'm ready for it.  I'm tired of all the bullshit that comes along with dating.  It just gets tiring.  Just remembering spending last Christmas with him, and how fun it was with him and my family is hard.  Accidentally coming across pictures of me trying on wedding dresses, and me looking so happy.  That was hard too.  But at the same time, I couldn't stop looking.  I don't know how for the last month or so I've managed to fool myself into thinking that I'm fine, and that I'm over this.  But judging from the tears that keep coming to my eyes, I'm guessing I'm not.  And I hate that I'm crying about this.  But part of me is also glad that I still can feel it.  Cause part of me didn't know what to think that I was just so fine about it.  That I didn't seem to care that we were no longer getting married.  That all those feelings managed to just disappear worried me.  But now I know they didn't disappear.  I just did whatever I could to cover them up, and push them down.  I'm sure in a few weeks time I will go back to doing the same.  But for now, I'm ok feeling this again.  To know that it was real, the feelings I had weren't fake.

Last night I had this dream.  We were still broken up.  I had for some reason decided to move out of my house I am living in now (probably because there is currently drama that is so pointless in real life).  I had decided to stay at a friend's house for the night.  I woke up, and there he was.  He was staying there too, cause he was friends with my friend's brother.  We talked.  We realized this whole break up was just so stupid and silly.  We kissed, we made up.  We were moving into the new apartment I had found together.  We were happy.  But soon enough morning came around, and I had to wake up.  The dream was over.  I had to wake up and realize that it was just a dream.  I tried, and eventually succeeded, to fall back asleep.  To try and pick up where the dream left off of us lying in bed in each other's arms.  Never happened.

Well, the holidays are almost here.  Practically the Holiday Season, within the next few weeks, I suppose.  This is always my favorite time of the year.  But this year?  Not looking forward to it so much.  Why?  Because he will not be there.  Being alone on during the holiday season has never been a particular problem of mine.  Less gifts to buy, which in turn means more money saved.  I barely manage to get through the gift buying as it is.  Not that it's about the money.  But with family and friends around, it doesn't usually bother me that I don't have that Special Someone there with me.  But this year I'm already dreading it.  I already feel that slightly heavier loneliness.  We won't be driving up to my mom's house together.  We had such fantastic talks during those drives.  About the future.  How we wanted to raise children.  Our dreams.  We won't be doing that next year.  No spending New Year's Eve together, and having that first kiss of the year.  All these things that I just assumed that we'd be doing every year for the rest of our lives, we aren't going to be doing.  And all of that has me just not looking forward to this upcoming holiday season.  Cause I know that I'm going to just end up thinking about him so much.  It happened during Halloween, so why not these more significant holidays?

(Sorry this post sounds like such a downer.  I swear I'm trying to post more positive stuff from now on.  Part of the healing process or something: not so much focusing on the negative.)

I kept the ring after we broke it off.  Not out of spite, or anger, or because I plan to sell it for money.  I literally couldn't bring myself to take it off.  We'd gotten in stupid fights before, where I would take the ring off as a sign of protest.  Stupid, I know.  But this time I couldn't do it.  Cause I knew if I took it off, and gave it back, that that was it.  Aside from my physical inability to take it off, I didn't want it to be just some thing he sold off to pay off a credit card or something.  Eventually I took it off my finger, when I returned back to work.  But I keep it hidden underneath my shirt on a necklace.  I have it with me at all times.  I think I'm not ready to part with it, cause it feels like a little piece of him is still with me.  When I was nervous flying up north last night, I held onto it, since I didn't have his hand to hold (I have a fear of flying).  When I sleep at night, I sometimes wear it on my finger, in the absense of his arms around me.  I stare at it sometimes, remembering the day he first gave it to me.  I can picture it perfectly in my mind.  The slight chill in the air.  The sunset that was beginning behind him as he got down on one knee.  It was the best day of my life.  

At some point this afternoon the cloud that had been hanging over me the whole evening before, and the day so far, had lifted.  It felt like this feeling of peace, of calm, came over me.  I'm not sure why.  But I suddenly felt like everything was going to be ok.  Not in a "Don't worry, you'll find someone" way.  But in a "Don't worry.  Things will work out between you two.  Just focus on better-ing yourself, and it will all work out".  I know that this could all be some cruel joke.  But I really don't think so.  I really hope it isn't.  I feel like if I'm just patient enough, and that I give him the time he needs, that things will work out eventually.  This may prove foolish.  But for now, I'm holding onto this feeling.  This feeling of peace or calm is nice.  I've really been praying about this, and thinking about this a lot.  So I think things will be ok.  I still know I can't count on it 100%, but this feeling for now makes me...happy.  Happy to feel content that this is just a little bump in the road.  So just don't rain on my parade, no matter how naive it seems.

Last night was rather hard.  Stumbling across, and then reading, a card from our anniversary (the day he proposed) was difficult.  Ever since I've felt like I'm just in this funk.  This black cloud hanging over my head.  Not that I was fantastic before, but at least I wasn't wanting to cry all the time.

I've managed to not wear my ring all the time.  Though I still keep it with me at all times.  It hangs around a chain on my neck.  I'm not ready to not have it with me.  To be completely separated.  I still wear it on my finger sometimes at home.  My hand feels bare without it.

It's strange.  When we first got engaged, it felt weird to wear that ring.  Aside from looking at it all the time, I could physically feel the ring on my finger.  It felt right to wear it, but I wasn't used to it.  Now that I'm not wearing it, I feel bare without it.  Now my finger feels odd without the ring on.  Today on the way to work I noticed I had accidentally put the ring (not engagement) I was wearing on the same finger as my engagement.  My mind's been wired to wear it on my left hand.  Now it feels odd to be wearing a ring on my right hand.  

Today was a little better.  Due to the fires down here in Southern California I had Monday and Tuesday off.  So I did a lot of relaxing/laying around, and a lot of thinking those days.  Some crying.  So I wa sort of looking forward to going back to work.  Expecting that it would help keep my mind off things.  It kind of did.  I mean, it didn't keep my mind off of things as much as I thought.