12 posts tagged “fiance”

I tried to call him.  He did not answer.  He responded to my text, but would not pick up when I called.  His phone is now off.  He is at work.  I feel awful.  I feel stupid for calling more than once, but what can I say.  I was desparate to hear his voice.  Desperate for some contact.  At least he responded to my text, even if it was a rather short answer ("no"), about how he would not answer the phone right now.  I can't just end things like this.  I need some closure.  I ache for him to be in my life.  This is the worst feeling ever.  A nightmare.  Hardly seems real.  Just earlier this week I dropped off the deposit for our wedding site.  I don't have the heart to call and cancel the date.  I think cause I keep hoping that we'll talk, and decide to give things a try.  Maybe slowly.  Maybe not being engaged right now.  But to work on it.  

All that about how lovely it is to be engaged, I guess it no longer applies to me.  Shortly after writing that post (well, a few hours) Fiance came home, and broke off the engagement.  All night I've been a wreck.  We've been having some issues, which I think I had mentioned earlier.  We were making progress, had seen a counselor a handful (maybe 4) of times.  Apparently after only those few amounts of sessions with the counselor, he thinks we should be all better.  We were getting better.  It all feels like some nightmare that I'm going to wake up from.  When I finally fell asleep earlier in the evening (well, really morning), I woke up consistantly every hour.  And each time I woke up I felt such deep sadness, I don't even know how to describe it.  Sadness that he hadn't called me.  (Did I really think he would?)  And even more about the fact that he wasn't lying in bed next to me.  Not now, and possibly not ever again.  That I would never again cuddle up with him.  It makes me feel SO EMPTY inside.  I don't think that I would wish this feeling on anyone.  To have these dreams and hopes, to think that you have found that person you will be spending your life with and having children with...and then to have it all ripped away.  That's just the worst feeling in the world.  And waking up every hour and realizing it over and over sure doesn't make it any easier.  So now I am awake.  It is five in the morning, and I just can't bear to go back to sleep.  But I can't bear to lay awake and think how the most important thing in my world, in my life, is leaving.  I pray that he will change his mind.  I pray that somehow things will all work out.  But that makes me feel foolish.  

I was at a discount store today (Dollar Store...be quiet! Everything is so cheap there!), and the girl who was working the check-out must have noticed my engagement ring.  "That's so pretty!" she said.  It made me smile.  It's not often a complete stranger compliments you on something like that.  Friends, family, of course.  Plus, they kind of have to say it is pretty.  They'd come off like asses if they didn't.  So it was kind of nice, and reassuring, when this unexpected compliment came today.  But what she said next was even better.  "That's so special.  I hope it all goes really well for you." (speaking of my engagement, and then marriage, obviously)  And I thought, you know what, it is special.  Lately I think I've gotten caught up in so many things, which aren't necessarily positive, like work, and the planning, and the are-we-really-fighting-about-this-again? that I sort of lost sight of how special it is that I've found this amazing person that not only do I want to spend my life with him, but he wants to spend his with me.  It's amazing.  It's fabulous.  Not everyone finds that person.  So we are lucky to have found each other.  Especially factoring that we literally come from opposite sides of the Earth (me - northern hemisphere, him - southern), and still managed to meet.  

I was at the supermarket the other night with Fiance buying some drinks and snacks before going home to watch a movie. In the checkout lane next to us was a guy buying a personal sized tub of ice cream. It kind of made me smile to myself, as the stereotype is of a girl sitting at home alone on a Saturday night, eating ice cream (or cake, or some sort of sweet). Not that I think he was sitting at home, pining over some girl. But you never really see a guy just buying a whole tub of ice cream for himself to eat that night.

So Fiance, who is in school right now, recently met this girl.  He at first thought she was from Argentina like him.  She is not.  She's American.  She once dated an Argentinian for three years (when she was 15 until she was 18...so until recently).  She is nice enough, but a bit of an annoyance to me.  Simply because of the way she appears to hang on Fiance at times, and follow him around.  But whatever.  I'm not worried about that in a he's-going-to-want-her kind of way.  What my problem with her is has to do with something else (though that is annoying).  She is constantly acting like she has this amazing advice to offer me, because she spent three years with an Argentinian.  So of course all Argentinians must be the same, and so she feels the need to call me up today.  Our conversation went a little something like this:

Do you have a green thumb?

I definitely do NOT have a green thumb.  I am the worst with plants.  Well, maybe not the worst.  I do have a friend who managed to kill a cactus.  I can manage to keep those little bamboo plants alive.  I have these little rose bushes (very tiny) that Fiance bought me that are still alive after a long time (though one looks to have gotten fried by the sudden heat wave we experienced a week ago).  So, to sum up, I'm not great with plants, but there are definitely people worse than me.

In a few short days it will be my birthday.  I will be turning 25.  I am half way to fifty.  One-quarter of the way to 100.  Yikes.  With each passing year I find my birthdays harder to deal with.  This one, 25, seems even more monumental.  Like it is the end of youth.  The end of having just myself to worry about.  I'm sure this is partly due to the impending marriage.  But it just seems so...old, or grown up.  I remember growing up and when someone was 25 they seemed so together.  So in charge of their lives, and like they had it all figured out.  I definitely don't feel that way.  I feel more put together than I used to, but I am no where close to feeling like I have it all figured out.  If anything, lately, I feel the exact opposite.  I feel like I've hit a stagnant spot in my life.  Obviously my relationship with Fiance is going well, and not at a stand-still.  But other than that, I just feel like that I want something more.  My job, even though I love the people I work with and think they're great, and enjoy working with them, I just feel like in the position I am in right now, there is no more growth for me.  I need to either move up to a different position, or move on to another job.  But at the same time, the security of the job that I have is nice.  Starting somewhere new, for me, is always so nerve wrecking.  Having to get to know the new co-workers, getting comfortable enough, all of that.  I tend to be a little shy when getting to know new people, especially in a work type situation.  I'm not really sure why.  Though I have been trying to make efforts to get over that.  But, I digress.  I just feel like I need more of a challenge in my daily life.  I mean, in reality, I spend more time at work then I do at home (waking hours at least).  I want something that excites me.  Something I can't wait to go in and tackle.  And I don't have that for the job I'm at now.  I don't have that passion.  Maybe I'm just having a quarter life crisis...

This week has seen a resurgence in Fiance and my social lives. We've been going out more frequently than we usually do. Last Friday night we went out just the two of us to get some drinks and a movie. It was nice to just be alone with each other, cause it seemed like we hadn't gone on an actual date, just us, for quite a while. We saw Transformers, which was exactly how I thought it would be. Nothing fantastic, but entertaining enough. We had actually planned to see No Reservations,but it was sold out by the time we were purchasing our tickets. So our options were limited.

Saturday…well, Saturday was so uneventful I can't even think of a single thing we did. Sunday was his company picnic, so we went to a park and did that whole thing for a couple of hours. We had every intention of going to look at this one place for a possible wedding location, but after going home to take just a short nap like we had planned…well…it never happened. A "short nap" turned into an afternoon of lounging around the house and watching DVDs.

On Monday we went to meet up with one of his friends at the AC Lounge, and brought along one of our roommates too. I can't remember the last time we've gone out to a bar during the week. It's been that long. It was fun to go to the AC Lounge again. We hadn't gone there in forever. Side note: right outside is where we actually had "the talk" and became official. So we met up with this guy he knew who is also from Argentina, hence why I thought maybe the roommate might want to come along, just in case some Spanish conversations broke out, and I had no clue what was going on.

So Fiance and I are going to Vegas this weekend.  It's his first time, so that should be exciting.  We're on a bit of a budget, so we aren't staying right on The Strip, but it looks like it's a super nice hotel that we're staying at.  I only wish we could have gotten one of the rooms that has a jacuzzi in it.  Not that expensive overall, but since we're only going for one night, no point in wasting a ton of money when we're trying to save up money to help pay for the wedding and stuff like that (i.e. moving around the end of the year, needing new furniture, ect).  But, I'm still super excited for the weekend.  We (all my girl friends) didn't make it on our annual Vegas trip this year, so it'll be nice to still get to go.  I'm a little bummed that I am unable to find the stack of cards I have for getting into clubs free…hopefully I'll be able to find them in the next few days.  But I'm not holding my breath.  We're going to be meeting up with his mom there.  Well, her and her friend.  I've not taken a trip to Vegas where parents are involved since I was really young.  So I'm not too sure what type of activities we'll partake in.